Dear SK1,

What's wrong with me? Maybe I'm the one with the trusting issues as well. I thought I was all right with all the trusting matter. I think I've realized that I am the one keeping Taylor alive by bringing her up, but maybe that's because I was so use to Wayne talking so much about her that now I couldn't let her go. Well, she's not an issue, at least not for now, what is an issue is myself. I've been finding myself getting annoyed at certain things and tiny things that Wayne does. For instance, I have keep on placing the imagery of him flirting with other girls when he has done nothing but just done mere conversation with them. I wonder why I keep doing this to myself. Is is because that one week I didn't see him I dreamt of him leaving me like you did and cheating on me which what I fear.

But Wayne has some trusting issues with me too. I see him looking at my Facebook pages whenver he sees I'm chatting with a guy. It's not a big deal since I have nothing to hide so I dun care when he looks. However, this weekend, every time I came up while he was on Facebook, he loggouts. Tell me that doesn't sound suspicious, please SK1. Wayne has been a guy in a long time that I've actually wanted to give my all for. Idk anymore SK1.

Sometimes I wish for everything and nothing at the same time.

SK1,

One day I should stop writing letters to you. I'm not in love with you anymore. Life has evolved and so have I. As of today, getting accepted into college(s), has made me realized that I'm growing up. I'm not longer your "princess", your lost sad-eyed little Juliet, waiting alone in her dark and cold tower waiting for her prince, Romeo, to return to her.

For too long this Juliet had been staring out her window with sunken, but eager eyes out on the blue sea to see your white sails come into view. She waited for her Romeo to come back from his exile, but he never returned or bothered to send a letter. Just abandoned her. Sadly, she waited endlessly thinking, "He'll come back for me. He will, he will, he will!" But soon, words just became hollow sounds ringing in her ears, music died in her mind only to be blocked by nightmares. The pure satisfying heat that swelled in her heart faded as so did her happiness. The tower was only a reflection on the cold and grave part of her heart of which her Romeo had stolen from her as every night she cried, "Come back....come back...come back...please..."

She looked out of the window everyday to see life that she could no longer feel anymore. Her feet were unable to move and dance, smiles and laughter were just artificial devices to deceive her friends and family of saying, "I'm fine and I always will be." Juliet would take the time to watch the world outside of her lifeless tower to observe the people who were able to get up and live. Every now and then, there would be suitors to look up at her in the tower who tried to woo her, but Juliet knew better, they were all just like Paris, only admiring her looks. She would only crawl away from the window to hide from them.

One day, there was a handsome prince who called out to Juliet in the tower. She was about to crawl back inside the cold shadows of her tower when she thought, "Why should I be this miserable if the rest of the world I see around me is full of life and laughter? Maybe I can drown out this sorrowness with something happy, even if I have to fake a smile."

True, you were the first guy that I had ever respected and in that sense I loved you for that, but I'll assure you, you aren't the only one.

I don't know why I keep this journal, SK1. All I do is type in here like I'm talking to you, but we both know that it is just vast nothingness that I keep on updating. Since I've been with Wayne, I have been mentally keeping a note saying that I promise not to type on here anymore because all the entries are letters for you. However, I guess I feel that incomplete feeling that I'm not ready to let you go out of my mind just yet, but let me just say, these thoughts are no longer that painful.

Right now, I'm listening to our song: Ai No Uta by Every Little Thing and it's strange how I've always wanted to know the exact translation of the lyrics. The most remarkable thing just happened, I'm sitting here in bed listening to the song and as I'm singing along with the words, I realized I understand most of the words. Unable to contain my excitement, I look up the lyrics and the website had just posted the tranlastions. I was correct about the lyrics.

And I must say, it clearly does fit us. Or at least what I think/thought about you.

Though, I thought about you on Friday afternoon when I was with Wayne. We were driving in the car and the sun was in its position of lowering in the sky, yet it's not sunset. At the time, my head was down, but when I heard the windshield being pelted with what sounded like rain, instinctively, I raised my eyes up to look. But it wasn't rain that was hitting the windshield it was dust, but it reminded me of you. Your favorite type of weather. Rain with sun. Spring Showers.

I can't help myself. Sometimes I wonder where you are and how are you and if you even remember me at all. Have I become that prehisotric in your knowlegde that you won't remember your princess that you abandoned? Your Juliet that was waiting for so long and cried herself to sleep every night because Romeo was exiled. All Juliet had were these stupid Paris guys wanting and desiring her when all Juliet ever wanted was her star-fated lover. I still think of you sometimes when I look up at the night sky and I find myself asking, "Are you watching the same view I am?"

I still feel like you just abandoned me. Left me alone in a dark and cold tower, believing I was your princess and that you, my dear prince, would come back for me. But you didn't. So I stuck my head out the window and jumped out into the deep blue ocean. I won't say that you left me to drown in the ocean, but boy, you really had me wading in it.

Now that I've found Wayne, I feel like I've finally got on a raft and am resting. He makes happy, but still, I feel like I don't give him enough attention to let him know how I feel. I blame somehow my father since he's always trained me, told me since the time I was five years old, to think before I speak. I also feel like you're part of it as well so I must blame you. I'm afraid of getting hurt all over again. I'm still scared that sometimes I just may not be good enough for Wayne. Just like how I wasn't for you. I'm afriad that everything is going so smoothly and something bad is going to come along.

SK1, I really do like Wayne a lot. I just wish I had more courage to say that to him.

Help me SK1. I feel that big white and full moon gradually falling over me. I'm trying to use all my strength to push it away from my space, but I feel it's gravitational force sucking me in. I'm losing balance. This time I'll tell you everything. No blind spots.

You always believed in me, SK1. Even when I had no faith in myself anymore, you kept on encouraging me that there was still some spark of life within me. The last thing you ever told me was that I still had potential to keep on doing something with my life and to go on. However, you forgot to mention that I would be able to do it without you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm honestly thrilled to say that my boyfriend and I are officially together. I just feel so happy with him and I rarely ever want to leave his side. He's definitely not any sort of a replacement of you, but somehow in Wayne's own way he fits me. At least I believe he does. The way I feel with him is some thing I haven't felt in the past four-five years of my life. All this time, I was trying to find someone to fill your spot. I tried going for the jock or the asian person and all the time it just never worked out. And after Andy I told myself no more white guys because they were just douchebags. After Aaron I learned that some heartless guys are real pricks to go out and play you. And after Stephen I swore to myself never get invovled with a married man again and especially when he's married to my cousin. Being with Wayne feels right. Although, like you, he's far away, but near by enough to kill the lonliness I've had endured. I tell you SK1, he may not fill my body with bubbly heat like you used to, but he somehow makes the flaring burns you scarred me with cool reassurance. When I'm with him, I forget the pain you left me. It's just sad that I've gotten a habit to question everything Wayne thinks or does since that's how you left me...but I know he's nothing like you. He somehow heals the scars that I've had to patch up myself over the years.

However, there's still that small part of me that sometimes wished certain things went a certain way. For example, all the kissing/making out moments we had for the past six months. I mean for at least two months of those six Wayne was seeing somebody else and I was just for the side. It wasn't until after he broke up with that girl officially did he finally confess that it was his "ex-girlfriend". It totally made me feel like a tool that he was using me for a play thing, rather than a human being. I doubt that was his intentions, but that's what I honestly thought at the time. It was because of that, that I tried seeing other guys myself, but somehow always winded back to thinking about Wayne. I even tried treating him as just "one-of-my-guy-friends" just to try and forget that I even had feelings for him at all. It was very frustrating for me to try and conceal.

Another time is the whole Taylor moments. I mean, true, I'm envious of her because she was lucky to have him whereas I had nobody. It's times like these when I understand how my dad's girlfriend must feel every time my mum is mentioned by my dad. I always have to constantly remind myself that, unfortunately, Taylor was Wayne's past and his first serious girlfriend. It just sucks to know that she was lucky to have him while the time I was struggling with myself of getting over you or with these other douches in my life. It sucks sometimes to know how much she impact his life. I hate feeling this way, it makes me feel so stupid. I don't even know the girl and I feel like sometimes I want to scratch her out of his life. But I have sensibility within me to know that it's impossible to do that. I have to understand that maybe she was supposed to come into Wayne's life like that because look where it got us now. Just like you made me suffer for so long to find Wayne. (You always said I was strong enough...smart enough....special...just not for you. Guess you were right, I never stopped myself from trying to reach too high.) I understand that you cannot take back someone's history just like you can't take away the suffocating sorrow that shackled me down. (You honestly left me thinking I was drowning in some miserable murky ocean and at one point I was ready to stop trying to keep fighting the water pressure, pulling me deeper into the endless blue.) But Taylor is not so much of an issue since she isn't part of Wayne's present. She may be Wayne's past, but I know right now I'm what's present. And that's good enough for me to make me want to keep what I have now. I don't want to look anymore after Wayne because he satisfies me, to underexaggerate. To be perfectly truthful, SK1, he makes me feel complete like I haven't felt in years. Sadly, there are those rare dark moments when I can't fight the stupid green monster in me when I think about how lucky she was to lose her viginity to him and vice versa when they were together. Something so simple and sweet like that...was something I will never obtain, SK1...

And this one last topic is the one that sort of...depresses me SK1. I lost my virginity to Wayne, but it was long before we even got together. In fact, it was right after Christmas of 2009 when I still believed I was just his play thing to get over Taylor. When I lost it I was drunk, but the memory slowly comes creeping back to me at random times. I mean, now I think it's great that I lost it to him, but, and I say this with a heavy heart, it makes me so...depressed to know that my virginity was lost like that. I don't know what about it makes me so sad to a point of crying...maybe because I had hoped for something like a fairytale when I would lose it. I don't know, SK1...

I guess what I'm trying to point out was that it's sad that it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't what I was hoping it to be, you know. I was expecting to have it in a time when I was certain about my feelings for the other person. At that time, I didn't know he had feelings for me as I did for him. I didn't even expect us to ever wind up together or for me to have finally found something great. Now, it just upsets me that that was it. Over. Done. Gone. It just felt like sipping uncarbonated soda, flat and plain.  It sorta happened again when we officially got together as well. It wasn't anything spectacular like how most couples say how they started off dating. It was just a talk and I was not aware of us being officiated as "dating" until Mark called.

SK1, I'm happy right now being with Wayne. I'm willing to overlook these moments in order to stay with him. But sometimes when I think about the loss of my virginity....it makes me cry now. It didn't bother me at the time because I thought, "Well I'm never gonna find someone who will care about me that way so I might as well lose it anyways since there's nobody for me. And anyways I do care for Wayne as in that way so I might as well give it to someone whom I have feelings for rather than a stranger." I don't know SK1, am I being foolish? I'm WITH the person who I lost it to and he still makes me so incrediably happy. He's the first guy, other than you, to treat me so well. He may not write award-winning poetry to me or dedicate stories to me, but finds ways to show his affections.

And this is my problem. I'm scared to show/give him any. I want to. It's just the thought of being abandoned again terrifies me. I'm afraid to become that cat, SK1, the one that wakes up one night when the moon is full and bright, to realize she's all alone with only the cruel moon to comfort her as she lets out a cry. I'm afraid. But I want Wayne to know I'm trying so hard to give him my best effort to try and push the fear aside. That's how much I care for him and I know he's worth all my effort and time. Probably the way how I can overlook the whole "loss of virginity" issue. Though, I still wish that was something more impacting or memorable.

But maybe that's asking for too much. Like you always said SK1, I always somehow reach too high for things. Maybe that makes me selfish or complicated. Heh. Who knows? All I can tell you is that right now, Wayne means a lot to me. I'm sure, in time, we'll find ways to make special moments now that we're together in the near future. I just need to focus on what's going on right here, now.

Be here now. Be here now. Be here now. Be here now.

I had always thought that I would always be head-over-heels for you. I never imgained myself loving someone else until Wayne came around. I had always thought that every time I thought about "love" or anything romantic, it would be you who would haunt my thoughts. These painful thoughts would never cease to inflict me and therefore made me believe that I was not to be in any way invovled in that kind of emotion or ever feel it. This conclusion that I had invented for myself concured in my mind when I woke up early one morning with eyeliner smudged and eyes burning. When I looked into the mirror I realized that I was no longer the little "princess" you used to love. I was growing older and you wouldn't come back for me. But still I held onto that stupid thing we call, "hope", though I decided I would keep my mind occupied until that day came for us to be reunited and for my heart to be whole again.

I always thought that I needed to find someone who was exactly like you, but I found that impossible. Somehow that kind of a love didn't suit me. It wasn't fair that I would be using that person as a replacement in your place and fool myself to believe that it's you. That was my mistake for looking for something to fill in the space that you occupied in my mind.

Never would I have thought that I would find a new part to surpass what you meant to me. And so I bid goodbye to the lonely nights I have cried over you. Never again will I shed more tears for you. No longer will I be looking for a surrogate that will remind me of you. For now, I will enjoy what unofficial relationship I share with Wayne and who knows, maybe someday I'll find someone who will be avaliable for me to claim. But I least I now know that I won't always be thinking about you. Soon, you'll become a faint memory once time has taken it's toll upon me.

You were part of my past that had made me who I am. My present is what matters in order for me to reach my future. I must continue foward. I won't let you write my future for me, I'll make my own decisions. I choose my own future.